Beavis, Butt-head, and Upchuck
by JohnnyLurg
Summary: Charles "Upchuck" Ruttheimer III applies for a position in Beavis and Butt-head's gang.


Beavis, Butt-head, and Upchuck

On a scorching summer's day in Highland, New Mexico, Beavis and Butt-head were attempting to access porn sites on their local library's computer.

"Uh…I think it's called uh, Stool Project. Huh-huh-huh," said Butt-head as Beavis typed a bunch of random keys on the keyboard such as "Print Screen" and "Num Lock."

"Goddammit, it's not working!" screamed Beavis. "It's never going to happen! We're never gonna fap! I mean, look at these dudes! They're old dorks, and they fap all the time!" He grabbed the tie of the middle-aged fat man next to him. "This guy prob'ly fapped 50 times today!"

"Well, if you wanna call it that, that's alright with me," said the man, who bore an uncanny resemblance to the 42nd President of the United States.

Suddenly, a library intern walked into the computer lab. He had curly red hair of medium length, freckles that might have been pimples, and a tacky yellow polo shirt. "Mind if I help you with that, gentlemen?"

"Huh-huh-huh, you're a dork," said Butt-head, spilling nacho cheese on the computer screen.

"Looks can be deceiving, gentlemen," said the nerd in a confident tone. "My name is Charles "Upchuck" Ruttheimer III. I hail from Lawndale, Maryland, and women adore me! Is there anyone in particular you'd like me to hook you up with?"

"Uh, did you say Marilyn? Marilyn's pretty cool, huh-huh-huh," said Butt-head.

"Yeah, yeah! Marilyn rules, she rules! Boi-oi-oi-oing!" said Beavis.

"Hmmm, you've been to Maryland? Do you by any chance know a girl named Daria Morgendorffer? I heard she used to live here, which is why I'm interning here, to get more acquainted with her past life," said Upchuck.

"Daria sucks, hehehe," said Beavis. "She's flat, hehehe."

"Must be a different Daria," said Upchuck. "The one I know has a smoking hot sister named Quinn. But I gotta tell you, she's a feisty one! Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrowwww!"

The librarian approached Upchuck. "If you're going to fraternize with library patrons, I suggest you go outside."

"But I'm working!" said Upchuck. "I was just helping these two young gentlemen find their favorite website."

"Yeah, yeah! Stool Project! Hehehehehe!" said Beavis.

The librarian frowned. "You are abusing your internship privileges. You're fired, Ruttheimer!"

"But I don't even technically work here. I'm an unpaid intern," said Upchuck.

"Alright, then the three of you are permanently banned from entering the library. Congratulations, you're the first three people to ever earn that honor in Highland history."

"We're special. Huh-huh-huh," said Butt-head.

"Dammit, what am I going to say to my parents back in Maryland?" Upchuck asked his new acquaintances. "You know, you guys are the closest friends I've ever had. Like I said, I can definitely help you get chicks. We'll be a team. With my unlimited technical and scientific knowledge, I can be the brains of our chick-getting machine!"

"Uh…I'm, like, the, uh, brains," said Butt-head. "Huh-huh-huh. Like, Beavis, uh, is the, uh, bran, huh-huh-huh. Old guys eat him, huh-huh-huh."

"No way!" screamed Beavis. "You're the bran! You're the bran! Hehehehe."

"Uh…settle down now, Beavis, huh-huh-huh. There's, like, enough bran to go around, huh-huh-huh."

"Yeah, yeah, you're right," said Beavis. "Yeah, Upchuck sucks. He, uh, reminds me of Stewart. If you had, like, a contest to see who sucked more, uh, I don't know who would win, hehehehe."

"Well, that's disappointing," said Upchuck. "I thought you guys liked me. But I guess you're just like everyone from Lawndale. I don't get why everyone is so hard on me, I just want to be liked."

"Uh…you said 'hard on.' Huh-huh-huh," said Butt-head.

"Yeah, yeah, THE HARDER THEY COME, THE HARDER THEY ALL, ONE AND AAAAAAAAAALL," said Beavis, while playing air guitar. "Hehehehe."

"Shut up, Beavis. That's, like, not even rock, huh-huh," said Butt-head. "That's like, Reggie music. Huh-huh-huh."

"I am an Asstafarian, mon," said Beavis in a bad faux-Jamaican accent. "Hehehe."

Upchuck stopped self-pitying for a moment. "Wait, you guys like reggae? You know, Bluntfest is next weekend and I was planning on going with two chicks, but you can have my two other tickets instead! It'll be a pretty feisty show. The lineup is fantastic! Elvis Marley, Rezerection, Slightly Stoopidname, Ziggy Jimson, Subpar Without Brady Ne'erdowell…aw, screw you guys. I'm going to Stewart's house," said Upchuck, and he left the duo.

"Huh-huh-huh, he's got a stiffy for Daria," said Butt-head. "What a dumbass, huh-huh-huh."

"Yeah, but you know, Butt-head, I, uh, think he, uh, might be on to something. I mean, we, uh, have stiffies for, uh, every other chick, but, uh, we, uh, never score. So, maybe, like, uh, if we, like, had stiffies for, uh, Daria, before she like, moved away and stuff, we'd, uh, like probably score, hehehe."

"Uh…but, like, you see, Beavis, uh, only I'd score with Daria," said Butt-head. "You'd like have to score with, uh, Stewart, huh-huh-huh-huh."

"No way! Stewart's scoring with Upchuck! Like, right now! Hehehehehe."

"Huh-huh-huh. Upchuck."


End file.
